Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
She tied me up with her honor cords...
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
One girl peed the bed, one lost her panties, another woke up on the piano, I have pink eye and door knobs are missing. This is why I stay in Nebraska
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
We did hand stand push-ups while beer bonging. Its now a thing
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
Randomize
