Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
we can't become the bulimic house in the complex dude. Besides, you need teeth for your career.
Congrats. You are not detrimental enough to my psyche to be discussed during this mornings therapy appointment. Please follow up next week to see if you made the cut.
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
its been well over a year and hes still saying sex with me was epic
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
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