you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
Well yea but it's the principle of the thing.. The fact that he could actually BE your daddy
you shall refer to me as my indian name from now on...running with dumb cunts
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
I have alotted at least an hour for ugly crying.
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
quit whining, rub some dirt on it, and lets get out there
its my penis
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