I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
those are such fre$h shoes
going to ignore the use of the word "fresh" in a sentence that isnt related to produce and/or other food stuffs and especially the part where you replaced an "s" with a dollar sign
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
I chugged a beer while I was riding him and he told me it was the sexiest thing he has ever seen. this guy knows class when he sees it.
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
I'm more of a 'talk at me while I stare at you' kinda girl.
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
i need something from you. video yourself doing naked jumping jacks and send it to me. it will make me smile
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
Randomize
