Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
wtf
I'm guessing you saw the bathroom?
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
She was nothing like her profile said, we had nothing in common, and her picture mustve been like 30 pounds ago. But yeah we hooked up
Sorry about the confusion with the nudes last night that was rude
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
Randomize
