I wonder what it would be like to be a slice of cheese.
i dont even mind you always shaving my pubes when i pass out, i'm starting to find it liberating.
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
It feels like New Years Day all over again...me trying desperately not to throw up in the backseat & mom and dad blissfully unaware in the front
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
Ran into him again last night, stole his glowstick and walked away. The glowstick mountain in my room keeps growing.
It was a shot marathon. It only ended because we werent drinking in our house apparently we walked into the nieghbors. When they got home thy were soooooo pissed.
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
Randomize
