And now we're talking about squeezing babies out of vaginas...
You're only the seventh guy she's ever kissed. Somesones gunna get EPICALLY stalked
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
Sad Moment: I only had enough $ at 711 to buy chips or salsa. I chose salsa and took a plastic spoon
started her walk of shame as my mom and dad walked through my common room door...my dad held the door for her and told her to have a nice day
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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