woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
it was a whole new experience in the world of ball fondling
Im in the bathtub drunk. Less than an hour before the interview. This will be the best or worst career move ever., support?
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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