your dick doesn't do me any good in arizona
college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
I'm glad that even though we are states apart our whorish hearts beat as one
Sup man, did you have a 3way this month if so it would be 3 for 3 for the house
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
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