Dude?? where did you go after Wildcats last night? Last I heard you went off with one of the girls we danced with?
Negative - This is his GF, Bobby is in Jail for a DUI. Thanks for the info.
My boss just told me $1,000 at a six hour event wouldn't be worth her time. She makes $70k a yr. and apparently never learned multiplication.
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
Is it related to planting your seed? Cause I don't know if you have studied the development of a tiny human, but that is some complicated shit.
Isn't everything in a man's life somehow related to him planting his seed?
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
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