So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
Revelation of the day. Bulimia is dumb. Anorexia is easier.
You suck.
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
the higher we get, the more he looks like ray charles.
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
im trying to stop thinking of him and his amazing dick. every time i do i snap myself with a rubber band. classical conditioning at its finest...and you said i wouldnt learn anything from psychology.
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
I'm giving great sideboob & it's being wasted on my parents.
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
I finally selected an outfit that says "I'm not easy" but still shows off the tittays.
Randomize
