she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
Its not like he dircectly choose a cheeseburger over sex, it was more like I said seductively "I really appreciate this and I'm going to make it up to you anyway I can" and he replied "i want a bacon cheeseburger"
i guess he just knew i was going to sleep with him either way
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
Randomize
