....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
Randomize
