Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
There's a technique?! I just slide my tongue around
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
Nope. If I'm going to drive an hour to fuck a teacher, it will NOT be missionary thats for damn sure.
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
Tell Chris I said sorry for yelling "It's my vagina, let me do what I want with it!" at the party last night.
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
Randomize
