It's pouring out. I am cold, wet, and miserable.... Kind of reminds me of our sleepover last night.
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
I made a game called come to class high and eat nachos.
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
Is it bad if I look at someone i dont know and just want to punch them in the face?
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
