Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
nothing says platonic group sex like a campfire and smores
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
party gras won. party gras always wins.
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
Think of the things uve done in the past. And ask urself "have I done worse?" If u answer yes. Its perfectly ok.
Randomize
