How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
it's ok. you also told me I can feel free to vomit on your blow dryer sometime.
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
This is going to be a 3 day beach sex fest. Do you understand
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
Carver called his mom a milf again
Was it on purpose this time?
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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