I wish I could teleport
the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
Is 28 too old to get fingered in Centennial Park? Asking for a friend.
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
Then again I went over his house after not hanging out since kindergarten and tried to fuck him so maybe I'm partially to blame here
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
I plan on getting so intoxicated, that I think it's MY own birthday
Can I play this game?
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
Randomize
