I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
I mean looking back on it, it's unlucky but at least now we can say we were in jail from 2011 to 2012
That's thinking positively..
I literally just fucked insane clown pussy. 24 yo nut job moonlights at children's parties. Gave me head while still in full clown makeup from my kid's birthday party.
it was good, but also weird. like, i came four times and then cried weird.
did you just send me my own nude
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
Randomize
