I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
Hey when you come over to pick me up in the mornin bring a camera. This is going to be legendary. Don't knock.... They might cover up
This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
I wish there was a non slutty way to ask the guys across the hall if i can copy their men's bathroom key so I have one for my one night stands
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
One last question would your parents let me sleep in your bathtub for the night?
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
wait you fucked a guy who wears k-swiss? seriously?
I know, im living my 7th grade dream
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize
