uhhh i just had a guy tell me he's seen more jam bands and done more drugs than i could err imagine. what a turn on.
I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
woke up to find a pram in the balcony. first thing we did was look over the edge!
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
I find out next week of the Australian was lying about his vasectomy or not. Keep your fingers crossed!
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
If you think I'm going to drive 5.5 hours just to bang a guy, you'd be absolutely right.
Randomize
