Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
I'm a college student and my dad gets more ass than I do..... do you see a problem here?
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
he played intl players anthem 4me and ate a strawberry out of my pussy
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
what the fuck happened to the tacos
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
Randomize
