I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
just once id like to meet someone on craigslist who isnt fat
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
He can spot Burberry from half a bar away. He's not into vag
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
I can't remember what I did last night, but judging from the state of my hair I had a pretty good time.
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Randomize
