i just discovered a movie that charlize theron is a sex addict. i think my prayers have been answered
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
It's pitch dark except for the glow sticks, someone turned the heat up as high as it would go and the bathroom is flooded. Also think I just stepped on someone's face.
Screw them and thier engaged asses. I've got liquor to drink and boys I don't know to make out with.
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
I cant wait to tell our kids we met because you subscribed to my onlyfans.
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