My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
She's high and running across rooftops. Yes we're going to end up in A&E again.
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
it's like he didn't even know what a vagina was
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
This lady is talking to me and all I can think about is getting face fucked and doing cocaine. Not neccesarily together and not neccesarily in that order
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