She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Randomize
