btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
I tried to tell him it was only 2:00, but he said since it was 5:00 in New York, it was perfectly acceptable. He then put on a Blues Brothers hat and a pair of wayfarers and left. I expect him home in a few hours with a police escort.
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
There's three frat guys comparing how you were in bed. apparently you have gotten worse with time
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
He added me on Facebook. I'm pretty sure he got my name from the inside of the bra I had lost in the frat house.
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
what did we do after we left your crib?
you layed down in some rocks for about an hour, you stole some pumpkins, you passed out and started shaking, we got t-bell, we took you back to the dorm.
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
Randomize
