Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
We team puked and then made sex like wild monkeys. If that isn't love, I don't know what is.
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
Let's play the game let's see how long Kayla can be sober
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
Stupid Covid-19
The universal cock block of this decade
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