I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
we fucked while standing on a ladder. challenging, but worth it.
There were 11 girls in that minivan and everyone was either puking, crying, or yelling "we're a total shit show"
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
Just ignore the penis. It's won't bother you. I promise.
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
Randomize
