You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
One date. That's all it took. I want to have his geunis babies in me. One date.
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
Is this like a preordered booty call?
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
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