I wish I could teleport
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
just had a flashback of you pouring champagne into my mouth from someones balcony..
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
Randomize
