you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
i just had to google what happens if your dog eats your nuva ring
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
Im sitting on the exxon bathroom floor, idk if its healthy but it sure is cold
I imagine her to be like a 19th century explorer/adventurer with different boys' hearts on her wall like animal heads
Like Teddy Roosevelt
she tried to deny peeing on the floor last night. she said she wouldn't make it to the bathroom only to pee on the floor
oh but she would
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
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