Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
I found a playlist on my ipod with only one song on it: gold digger. confused, but not surprised.
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
yeah....try hearing them in person. it sounds like two muppets going at it
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
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