i just remembered that i beat off next to you while we were naked and passed out next to each other after last night... No Homo
Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
He listens to me complain and in return I send him naked pictures. It's a win win situation
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
I've been in town for almost 36 hrs and I haven't made out with a stranger yet - I consider THAT a record!
God, I missed his penis.
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
Randomize
