Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
I think I'm still a little drunk from Sunday Funday and I just changed for a date in my car. wish me luck.
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
i need some magic done to my vagina
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
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