I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
Last night Brynn convinced every person at the party wearing glasses that they stole hers, and she woke up with 8 pairs of prescription glasses in her bag.
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
just because the DWI class is located at the University does not make him a professor. I was duped, he is in no way, shape or form a professor!
Either that or he's gagged in a strangers trunk right now.
Well I suppose either way he's learning a pretty tough lesson right now.
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
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