Apparently when you order 'bottomless fries' at red robin that doesnt mean you can go around to every table and eat all the fries you want off other peoples plates.
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
Send help, water and tortillas.
a guy just walked through our campsite, crouched down by the truck, screamed "ACID ONLY LASTS FOR 8 HOURS RIGHT?!", then ran off into the bushes
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
On a scale from 1-10 how fucked up would it be to buy weed with my fafsa money?
It's a study aid
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
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