I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
somebody went from crying while watching Full House, to a full on emotional raging bull...I love this time of the month
Using my graduation announcement box as a table to roll a blunt on. I've official stopped giving a shit about senior year
I just remember banging him and then at some point I went and took a shower and went and laid in the closet
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
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