She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
do you ever just like the smell of your farts?
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
I am soup sandwich. I have been at dAnce party
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
Randomize
