I never doubt that you might be drinking at any moment.
everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
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