# days @ Coachella: 1 people i showed how to break it down: 279
i just sent this text using only my big toe
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
I can't, I'm busy. I've been walking around Tokyo on google maps for an hour.
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
It was actually pretty good. His cock is as fat as the rest of him and I took out my contacts so I couldn't see him clearly.
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
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