She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
Meh. People are people bro. All of us are hairless psychotic apes. Happy 420.
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
A guy was over-the-skirt fingering me on the dance floor and I stopped him to sensually rap in his ear. So that was my Halloweekend
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
Get ready tonight we are going to get drunk and pierce my nipples
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
Randomize
