so now she's a stripper
can't say i'm surprised
I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
I'm still drunk from last night...I walked out for a cigarette with one of the Janitors here and apparently someone took a shit on the stairs...Which makes me wonder...was that me?
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
Responsibility does not care about your dick.
I have no idea. I think this is what happens when people take drugs in the middle of the day
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
sexting while watching Peter Pan the Musical! something just doesn't seem right here
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
Randomize
