I just saw a girl walking up the hill with a little red wagon full of booze... I want to be in her study group.
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
He rode a broom down the stairs while we were mattress surfing. Naked. Buck ass naked. WTF
I gasped. Both pairs of lips did.
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
First of all she starred talking about God which immediately killed my buzz
Puked in the trash can. Took a bite of someone's breadstick and kept dancing and drinking
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
Randomize
