Funny thing- my attraction to each one is inversely proportional to his level of availability.
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
Let's face it. We both have sexy parts. Why not have them touch?!
I'm eating dry tortillas on a mattress without a sheet. and i thought my life would change after graduation.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
We are so drunk half our team had to bowl with a chaperone. We won every game. We drink
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
I made him fuck me while wearing a Thor helmat from Walmart. Geek sex is the best sex
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
Randomize
