Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
I just found all of my Mary-Kate and Ashley movies. Can you say drinking game?
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
Now that mom and dad sold the camper, do you think it's okay to talk about all the sex I had in it?
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
My school has hired a professional rum bottle juggler for our dining hall this evening.
Man, I miss taking bong rips in my room. Now they are bringing dogs around so all my stuff is hidden in random places up in the woods. I literaly have to hunt and gather just to get high.
Randomize
