I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
please don't fuck her on my bed i'm too poor for laundry quarters
Two dudes. Loud music. Dancing shirtless possibly naked. Why would I ever need cable?!
It's blow job season.
I WANT TO. I JUST IMAGINE HIS BEAUTIFUL BLONDE HEAD INBETWEEN MY LEGS AND I BREAK DOWN AND START CRYING.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Randomize
