drug dealer added me on facebook, win ?
omg no way im finding him!
he has no pics of his face, and im always drunk so i cant remember if hes cute or not, but he told me im in his phone as "party girl" which is fitting i guess cause im dragging my hungover ass to buy preggo tests, and i had to get the cheap ones cause i blew all my cash on coke.
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
I just found puke in my bra..
hey you sure the big one didn't have a penis she left the seat up
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
he seriously made his penis a facebook.
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
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