How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
No way. Every time you have sex with him you'll end up staring into those eagle eyes and stop mid-orgasm.
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
Well, if it's rabies, your lips will swell just prior to the frothing. Get a lot of good pics!
Randomize
