The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
Dignity is for republicans.
you're thinking of things to pack this weekend and you think Don King wig?
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
well theres no bloody mary mix at the campus bookstore so i dont even know what its good for
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
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