So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.
Yes someone did see you carrying a beer bong on the side of coastal highway
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
She's more of a "I'm gonna get herpes no matter how great her face looks like" pretty
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
Just do it. I grew some lady balls and did it last year. It's your turn. Time to show what you're made of. Hit it or quit it.
while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
Randomize
