life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
dude, that girl smelled worse than the great depression.
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
It smells like ranch
Must be all the white people
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
Sex with him is like pizza, it can be shitty but its stillll pizza.....
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Angels sing when his face is between my thighs. I came 3 times before he even came up for air.
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
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