I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.
Your pregnant arnt you
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
Sorry I never got back to you, I ended up at a party with pot ice cream, pot apple cider, and hash vegetable oil.
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
This is Ryan, Kristin's husband. I don't know if you meant to send that pic to me at 3am. You may want to call Kristin. Neat piercing though.
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
Randomize
