u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
Its name is Richard. And I think he formally introduced us.
DO NOT EAT ONE OF DONOVANS WEED RICE CRISPIES. I REPEAT DO NOT EAT IF YOU VALUE YOUR EYE BALLS
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
so like what it comes down to is do I wanna look like a boss ass bitch or do I wanna masturbate.
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
I'll give you one guess. It has a cock and I want it
Randomize
