I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
drinking colt 45 because lando calrissian told me to
his logic is that since hes already cheated on her w me its doesnt count
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
my math professor just wrote "parallel" on the board, but spelled it "pararrel". guess what country he's from
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
My costume is made up of 4 inch heels and a firefighter costume I'm borrowing from the dramatic play area of my Pre-K classroom. I told you I could still be slutty on a teacher's salary.
For gods sake, I only took one. With two nyquils. What a happy world its been today. Fulfill your obligations and then its marvelouso.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
classified somewhere between kinky and medically inadvisable
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
Well, let me first tell you that jack and cokes were ONE FUCKING DOLLAR.. It's like the club wanted me to make poor choices.
Randomize
