That's what you get when you play shuffleboard drunk.
He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
I Can't even believe I threw all my pizza rolls at her, I mean not only did i ruin a good meal but now I dont have anymore
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
I have finally found someone I enjoy for reasons that do not necessarily include his dick
Randomize
