I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
i love my job...i have craft hour at my desk w twizzlers
can u grab me a application
There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
At one point, you closed your eyes and asked me which 'six flags' we were at
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
GOOGLE HAS JUST RELEASED AN UPDATE THAT ALLOWS YOU TO CATCH POKEMON USING MAPS. Pack your shit, our time has COME.
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
Randomize
