i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
I CAME AT YOU WITH RAW FEELING
you grabbed my dick through my pants and hissed at me.
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
did i just pee glitter
3 cups of coffee and some molly. The "Tay's Day Off Diet"
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
Randomize