When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
I just helped a group of highschool stoners find a safe place to smoke I feel like a responsible rolemodel
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
EW HE JUST SNAPPED ME A NUDE BUT HE CENSORED HIS DICK BY COLORING IT I DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
Must be why he thought choking was foreplay. Like WTF? No.
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