Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
ya she's here .. it looks like she just gave up and passed out on the floor
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
She has this wild look other eyes like she wouldn't be afraid to commit a felony.
Everyone's impressed that I actually got pee all over his car since I'm a girl and they're a little curious..
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
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